Today I decided to write about loss and about the two biggest losses in my life. Man I can’t even begin to explain what that loss is like. So let me jump into my first loss.
Papito Gil (grandfather) was a storyteller. He would capture his audiences with descriptive stories of his adventures in Central America. He was such a selfless man and would always help anyone in need. He loved to travel and nothing could ever stop him…
I will never forget that phone call I received while I was at work. I was ringing up a customer when my phone rang. It was my sister, “Gabby Papito Gil died”. My heart dropped to my stomach and I didnt know what to do. All I knew was that I had to go to my Papito Gil’s house. I ran out of the store, hopped in my car and drove as fast as I could. All of a sudden I hear a loud POP… my tire had pop and torn to shreds. I turned into a subdivision and was stuck. Crying hysterically because all I wanted to do is get to my grandfather’s house. All of a sudden a man comes out of his house and sees me and tells me to calm down. ” Miss are you ok? What’s wrong?” I proceed to tell him about my grandfather and why im so upset. “Here, go to your grandfather” he says as he hands me the keys to his car. God showed me his love that day and I will forever be grateful to the stranger that gave me the keys to his car. We lost my grandfather to cancer that day. One of my biggest regrets was not being able to tell him exactly how much I love him and what he meant to me. Every single time I tried to tell him my throat would close up and the words didn’t come out. My other regret was not spending enough time with him, but when you lose someone it is never enough time. I still miss him and I still cry from time to time. The years have passed and although the pain never really goes away you learn to deal with it and be happy.
This is the story of the greatest loss I experienced. I lost myself. One day I woke up and realized I was miserable and I hated my life. I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I had lost myself physically, emotionally and mentally. I had being arguing with my boyfriend non stop, blaming him for my misery. “YOU are supposed to MAKE ME HAPPY! You are supposed to make me feel beautiful!” I would yell at him. We were arguing everyday about anything and everything. WE lost respect for each other and ourselves. I was guilty for putting all the blame on him. I lost all my friends because of him, I stopped smiling because of him, I stopped having fun because of him, I stopped seeing my family because of him and the list goes on. So on this day I SAW MYSELF, I realized that I was not a victim. Somewhere in the mix of doing life I forgot who I was and how to be happy. That moment, I decided that I was going to practice smiling everyday. Finding myself and how to be happy became my priority. Through that experience I learned that no person alive can make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. Finding myself and being happy is a never ending process. As we evolve, our needs, wants and the things that make us happy change. I need to take care of myself and my needs… physically, emotionally and mentally. I am still not where I want to be and I don’t think I ever will be. Guess what, that’s perfectly fine. I focus on the right now. The things that help me are working on being humble and living humbly, having a grateful heart and mind, opening my mind to the blessings in my life that have been overlooked and being giving. Positivity is a lifestyle! What are some of the things that make you happy?